This morning I ran with Bennie, a nice easy 2.5 miler down back, nothing special, just a nice run on a beautiful day.
What was surprising was that I didn’t run the Doc & Mardie 5K over in Waterville this morning, which I had planned on doing all summer, it was one of my goal races.
Hell this post should be a Doc & Mardie 5K race recap or even a quick RunLog entry about my Bennie Run, instead it is something else completely.
The truth is that I just “never” got around to putting in the race registration. I know Patrick, the race director pretty well and have volunteered at the Quarry Road Trail Race series with him for the past couple of years. Which also means that I know a lot of the runners who were running the race this morning.
I knew it would be a good time, although running up the hill by Colby, would be a pain-in-the-ass. However, the after-the-race camaraderie of the event would more than make up for the tough course.
However, for some reason, I just couldn’t bring myself to register for this race, yesterday I did a tough long run (which I do not do before a goal race) or even go this morning and just do a race-day registration.
I had plenty of opportunities.
TheWife even asked last night and this morning if I was going and I made up some excuse about having to put the front door back together (which could have waited until I got home), last week I had gone down to Portland to see Meb and didn’t want to do two weekends in a row and best of all – I just didn’t feel like it.
The bottom-line was that I didn’t go run the Doc and Mardie 5K today, even though I planned to and wanted to.
What to hell happened then?
Not running this morning has been in the back of my mind and bothered me all day and I couldn’t really put my finger on why I didn’t go???
Tonight when I got to reading my RSS Blog Feeds, I read this post from
and realized what had happened.
Please take the 2-3 minutes to go ahead and read her post, before you go any further.
It very eloquently puts into words and context, what happened, some of what I was feeling and unfortunately what has crept back into my running.
That insidious thing called pre-race anxiety –
- not jitters,
- not butterflies
- not all those other things the almost every runner feels before a race.
Nope race anxiety was worming its way back into my life and the song was being sung so seductively and sweetly, I didn’t realize what was going on until one of my goal races for the year was run without me.
It is something I have battled before – if you are interested, you can read more it below:
How did it happen?
In my mind I believed I was being conservative with my most recent spate of injuries and using them as the rationale to stay home, until they have completely healed or that I didn’t want to “race” up the hills this morning, because I didn’t know how my hamstring and foot would respond…
Except they were all excuses designed and created to avoid facing my difficulties with pre-race anxiety.
I was getting back into that thinking, if I don’t run in a race, I don’t have to deal with all those feelings.
Okay, let’s get real —
I have run sub 7:00 minute paces for a couple of miles, done track/speedwork training sessions and 30-40 mile weeks, without breaking anything over the past couple of weeks.
Which means that I am over my injuries, well as much as I will be for a while any ways and I cannot use them as an excuse not to do something — like a race.
So I was physically able to run this damn 3.1 mile course, hell I even ran up that frigging hill a couple of weeks ago, without any problems.
Now that I see what actually happened, it sucks.
The reality is
After reading Joyce’s post, it forced me to take a look at what I am doing – again.
Now to do the hard work of putting the lid back on this race anxiety demon that seems to smack me upside the head all too often and spoils, and has spoiled so many opportunities to be around other runners and enjoy the social aspect of running. Something that I miss out on all too often – it seems.
I just have to keep reminding myself:
- No, I am not going to win the race.
- Yes, I can go have fun.
- Yes, I can be a sociable human being before the race, not just afterwards.
- Yes, I can do my best during the race.
- Yes, I can train hard to prepare for races.
Most of all
- Yes, I can show up.
Now to go do it.